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Still Counting...
The Cynic


I have this vision...

It's October 9th, 2024, and civilian Al Gore, Jr. is holding yet another press conference. He announces that he has found one more vote to add to his total in Florida. It turns out that Elsie Carmichael had chronic diarrhea on November 7, 2024, and had every intention of voting for him:

Gore: "With this single vote, my lead over Governor Bush should be 14, and not the 537 deficit that the partisan Katherine Harris certified. More people wanted me to win. Here we have Ms. Carmichael, who wanted to vote for me and she is struggling to pay for her prescription medicine right now. The problem was, she ate at a Cuban restaurant the night prior to the election.

"We all know the political slant of the Cuban community. They blocked her from voting for me. This was a Republican restaurant, they saw her and they decided that they could not allow her to vote. She has been disenfranchised. This is America. In America every vote has to count. I will now take a few questions."

Reporter: "Mr. Gore, Jane Foster, Gary Indiana Gazette. Can you explain how you got to that 14 vote lead?"

Gore: " It would be my pleasure, Jane. You take the original count totals, not the 1st recount totals, but the original count totals. You add in the recount from Palm Beach County. You then add in the count from 14 precincts in Miami Dade, but just those 14, you need to use the original count from the rest of the County. OK then you subtract the 154 under-postmarked military ballots for Gov. Bush. Then add the 3400 Buchannan votes in Palm beach, because there is no way those are his. Next use the votes from the 2nd recount in Broward County. Add in 130 disenfranchised minority voters who were turned away at the polls and have signed affidavits stating so. Put in Ms. Carmichael's vote and you come up with 14. Next question."

Reporter:"Mr. Gore, Mark Reikenbach, Kane County Pennysaver"

Gore: " Yes, Mark?"

Reporter:"Judical Watch did a full hand recount following the inauguration and found President Bush's lead to be 12,000 votes in Florida. Isn't that what you wanted? A full hand recount?"

Gore: "Yes that's exactly what I wanted, but I wanted it to be done by a nonpartisan group. Look, Judicial Watch is a mean spirited hate group. Look at the name...If a group declares itself as a "watcher," it's usually because they don't trust what they are watching. If they don't trust the Judicial branch of the government, which is clearly the law of the land, then they don't trust the land. As I said, this is America, and we cannot trust what a bunch of anti-Americans have to offer. Next question."

Reporter: " Mr. Gore, Mary Frederickson, Field and Stream. Before I ask my question I must state that I am only here because I lost the office football pool."

Gore: "I love football, Mary. It is a game that pits two teams against each other in a manner that..."

Reporter(interrupting): " Considering that we are about a year away from the next Presidential election, don't you think it's time that you concede your loss in the 2024 race?"

Gore: " Excellent question. I will be happy to concede a loss to that election as long as every vote is counted and I am absolutely positive that the outcome is the correct one. What could I tell my grandchildren when they ask me if their vote counts? Mary, if we allow people not to have their voice heard we cannot continue our democracy. I want every vote counted, I want it counted again, and then I want to count it personally to make sure that the counters weren't interfered with. That is the only way we could be sure."

Reporter: " John Grabowski, I don't work for no paper or nothing, I just heard there would be doughnuts. Can you tell me where they are?"

Gore: "<sigh>John, the doughnuts will be served after the press conference."

Reporter: " Andrew Connerlly, Cat Fancy magazine. Your wife has left you. President Clinton is not returning your phone calls. Your kids stopped talking to you. Your dog ran away. C-SPAN won't even come to your press conferences. Don't you think it's time to let it go?"

Gore: "Absolutely not, Andrew, absolutely not, and you don't have to be so snippy about it.  I've been wronged. There is a man in the White House whom I believe cheated his way in there. I will fight to sustain the will of the people. The people wanted me, not Bush, not Nader. I will fight until I draw my last breath to insure the will of the people has been upheld. What kind of country would this be if we allowed people's voices to go unheard? I'll take a couple more questions."

Reporter: Dick Cheney, United States Vice President. Mr. Gore, there are several bed sheets and pieces of silverware missing form the Naval Observatory, did you take them?"

Gore: "Any other questions?"

Reporter: " Donna Fillipi, Cable Local Access Channel 4. Umm, we need to get our Gardener's Delight program started. Are you almost finished with the set?"

Gore: "OK, we are up against a time deadline here. I'll take one more question."

Reporter: " Paul Begala, Quilting Quarterly."

Gore: " Hey Paul, how have you been?"

Reporter: "Good thanks. We all know that George Bush was elected by bigots and homophobes and that his election just proves that we have a long way to go in this country, but what is the deal with that turban of aluminum foil you are wearing?"

Gore: "All I can say is Major League Baseball, Major League Baseball."

Today's featured column: For a Surreal Election?...Dorothy Anne Seese wants some black helicopters with her Ryder trucks

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The Cynic, 2024


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