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Perpetual Elections, chads and  random complaints
The Cynic


To think it was just over a month ago that I foretold of a Bush landslide, complete with him winning California and taking 398 Electoral votes (California Dreaming). Welcome to the omelet I call my face. I was wrong, and not just your average everyday type of wrong, I was 'yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans' wrong....and I apologize for it.

That being said, no one could have predicted this (not even a bong water induced Bill Kristol).

The mess we are in involves us talking at length about pregnant chads, dimpled chads, hanging chads, swinging chads, chads with two mommies, Florida statutes and Secretaries of State's choices of make-up application and at some point we are all going to step away and wonder....How the hell did we get here?

There is a certain surrealism to this election. Looking at the big picture, I am taken aback by the historical significance of these past few weeks. I have that same feeling I did when I watched our President admit to an "inappropriate relationship." That feeling that History was being written before my eyes. Some of the oddities:

We watched the media project the state of Florida for Gore, then retract it, then call it for Bush and declare him President,     then retract that. This in effect means the media will declare this state 5 different times.

We witnessed a concession from Gore, then a withdrawal of that concession.

A sitting First Lady was elected to a Senate seat in a state which she has never lived. She forgoes etiquette and decides to     deliver her acceptance speech during her opponent's concession speech. She then waited 48 hours to declare that we     should do away with the Electoral College portion of the Constitution.

Florida law triggering a mandatory recount. Recounts on their own are not that uncommon, however the fact that Gore gained nearly 1400 net votes during one is against any and all odds.

Elderly voters somehow positive they voted wrong after receiving telemarketing calls from the DNC.

Jesse Jackson again finding racism during a crisis which was about anything but.

A court deciding that canvassers can play the Great Carnac and divine the will of voter intent on the ballot (Al Gore, Crazy     Horse, and a discharge of air from a female private part; email me with your answers)

The distinct possibility that the Electors will meet on December 18th and we will not know the outcome.

So how do we prevent this from happening again? I've devised a plan:

(A) We demand that the media go through a 2 hour cooling off period before reporting anything. This two hour period should also include a mandatory fact background check and possibly mandatory camera locks to prevent the wrong people from reporting the news.

(B) Like death, concessions should be permanent. There are no take backs. If you concede, you concede ... end of game.

(C) Senator-elects are under gag order from the time they are elected until they are officially in office. This will prevent what I call "diarrhea mouth."

(D) Elderly voters who cannot follow an arrow into a hole, and will cry about it later should have their voting rights revoked, along with their driving privileges and their Wednesday senior citizen discount at Wal-Mart.

If the courts are going to rule on how an election count should proceed, they should have caged exotic dancers on either side of them during their ruling. (why not?)

and finally...

Anyone named 'Jesse' (Jackson, Ventura, Christina Applegate) is not allowed to comment until the election is completely over.

Now if only lawmakers would listen to me.

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The Cynic, 2024


See our latest columns:
America's New Ruling Junta:  The Judiciary
Bret Hrbek on Florida's Judicial Legislation. And boy is he pissed

The Cynic explores the latest media myth

Military leaders unite against rejected overseas ballots

The Cynic hopes it will all end soon so Barney Frank can go back to being his old lovable self

Al Gore declares war on his fellow machines
Dorothy Anne Seese is amazed we are so closely divided considering the last eight years

View expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Political USA.

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