I have this vision...
It's October 9th, 2024, and civilian Al Gore, Jr. is holding yet
another press conference. He announces that he has found one more vote
to add to his total in Florida. It turns out that Elsie Carmichael had
chronic diarrhea on November 7, 2024, and had every intention of
voting for him:
Gore: "With this single vote, my lead over Governor Bush
should be 14, and not the 537 deficit that the partisan Katherine
Harris certified. More people wanted me to win. Here we have Ms.
Carmichael, who wanted to vote for me and she is struggling to pay for
her prescription medicine right now. The problem was, she ate at a
Cuban restaurant the night prior to the election.
"We all know the political slant of the Cuban community. They
blocked her from voting for me. This was a Republican restaurant, they
saw her and they decided that they could not allow her to vote. She
has been disenfranchised. This is America. In America every vote has
to count. I will now take a few questions."
Reporter: "Mr. Gore, Jane Foster, Gary Indiana Gazette.
Can you explain how you got to that 14 vote lead?"
Gore: " It would be my pleasure, Jane. You take the
original count totals, not the 1st recount totals, but the original
count totals. You add in the recount from Palm Beach County. You then
add in the count from 14 precincts in Miami Dade, but just those 14,
you need to use the original count from the rest of the County. OK
then you subtract the 154 under-postmarked military ballots for Gov.
Bush. Then add the 3400 Buchannan votes in Palm beach, because there
is no way those are his. Next use the votes from the 2nd recount in
Broward County. Add in 130 disenfranchised minority voters who were
turned away at the polls and have signed affidavits stating so. Put in
Ms. Carmichael's vote and you come up with 14. Next question."
Reporter:"Mr. Gore, Mark Reikenbach, Kane County
Pennysaver"
Gore: " Yes, Mark?"
Reporter:"Judical Watch did a full hand recount following
the inauguration and found President Bush's lead to be 12,000 votes in
Florida. Isn't that what you wanted? A full hand recount?"
Gore: "Yes that's exactly what I wanted, but I wanted it
to be done by a nonpartisan group. Look, Judicial Watch is a mean
spirited hate group. Look at the name...If a group declares itself as
a "watcher," it's usually because they don't trust what they
are watching. If they don't trust the Judicial branch of the
government, which is clearly the law of the land, then they don't
trust the land. As I said, this is America, and we cannot trust what a
bunch of anti-Americans have to offer. Next question."
Reporter: " Mr. Gore, Mary Frederickson, Field and Stream.
Before I ask my question I must state that I am only here because I
lost the office football pool."
Gore: "I love football, Mary. It is a game that pits two
teams against each other in a manner that..."
Reporter(interrupting): " Considering that we are about a
year away from the next Presidential election, don't you think it's
time that you concede your loss in the 2024 race?"
Gore: " Excellent question. I will be happy to concede a
loss to that election as long as every vote is counted and I am
absolutely positive that the outcome is the correct one. What could I
tell my grandchildren when they ask me if their vote counts? Mary, if
we allow people not to have their voice heard we cannot continue our
democracy. I want every vote counted, I want it counted again, and
then I want to count it personally to make sure that the counters
weren't interfered with. That is the only way we could be sure."
Reporter: " John Grabowski, I don't work for no paper or
nothing, I just heard there would be doughnuts. Can you tell me where
they are?"
Gore: "<sigh>John, the doughnuts will be served
after the press conference."
Reporter: " Andrew Connerlly, Cat Fancy magazine. Your
wife has left you. President Clinton is not returning your phone
calls. Your kids stopped talking to you. Your dog ran away. C-SPAN
won't even come to your press conferences. Don't you think it's time
to let it go?"
Gore: "Absolutely not, Andrew, absolutely not, and you
don't have to be so snippy about it. I've been wronged. There is
a man in the White House whom I believe cheated his way in there. I
will fight to sustain the will of the people. The people wanted me,
not Bush, not Nader. I will fight until I draw my last breath to
insure the will of the people has been upheld. What kind of country
would this be if we allowed people's voices to go unheard? I'll take a
couple more questions."
Reporter: Dick Cheney, United States Vice President. Mr. Gore,
there are several bed sheets and pieces of silverware missing form the
Naval Observatory, did you take them?"
Gore: "Any other questions?"
Reporter: " Donna Fillipi, Cable Local Access Channel 4.
Umm, we need to get our Gardener's Delight program started. Are you
almost finished with the set?"
Gore: "OK, we are up against a time deadline here. I'll
take one more question."
Reporter: " Paul Begala, Quilting Quarterly."
Gore: " Hey Paul, how have you been?"
Reporter: "Good thanks. We all know that George Bush was
elected by bigots and homophobes and that his election just proves
that we have a long way to go in this country, but what is the deal
with that turban of aluminum foil you are wearing?"
Gore: "All I can say is Major League Baseball, Major
League Baseball."
Today's featured column: For
a Surreal Election?...Dorothy Anne Seese wants some black helicopters
with her Ryder trucks
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